Posted by: Nancy Brown | September 6, 2006

Why Holland?

 Today was a hard day for me.  A lot of really hard memories and a lot of love. Our friend and favorite nurse in the entire world lost her baby. She has had a few miscarriages and this one was going so well. She was 22 weeks. She thought she had a UTI. Her water broke and they went to the hospital and induced her. Their little girl was born Saturday at 5 am. Her name was Shaylee. She weighed 1 pound 1 ounce and was ten inches long. She had a heartbeat after her birth. Jen held her and took pictures. She was just to early.

It sounds familiar… it feels familiar.  It feels sad, heartbroken and scared. Those thoughts of laying on the hospital bed thinking that if my baby comes now he will die. I will go home empty handed. Why can’t I be like other people? I have heard Dallas say a few things here and there about when Tyler was born. He said as we were wheeled away he realized that he loved Tyler so much. What is so hard it that I was so scared that I would never EVER see my baby. That I would have to go off of pictures and never hold my son. 

The weeks and months to follow would be a strange bunch of emotions.  Why did this happen? Will our baby be okay? Can we or will be take him home? These are things we thought, asked and wondered.

Yes.. I have my son. Jen doesn’t. Yes I love my baby. Jen loves hers. How can the world be so cruel to someone who so deperately wants a child to call her own….. And that is what I call MY HOLLAND……

This is a story that I feel describes how I feel so often………  

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a preemie or a child with a disability or a child with speacial needs… or worse the loss of a child- to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It’s like this……When you’re going to have a baby, it’s like planning a fabulous vacation trip – to
Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in
Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It’s all very exciting.
After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, “Welcome to

Holland?!?” you say. “What do you mean
Holland?? I signed up for
Italy! I’m supposed to be in
Italy. All my life I’ve dreamed of going to
But there’s been a change in the flight plan. They’ve landed in
Holland and there you must stay.
The important thing is that they haven’t taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It’s just a different place.So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.It’s just a different place. It’s slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than
Italy. But after you’ve been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around…. and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills….and
Holland has tulips.
Hollandeven has Rembrandts.
But everyone you know is busy coming and going from
Italy… and they’re all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say “Yes, that’s where I was supposed to go. That’s what I had planned.”
And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away… because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.But… if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn’t get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things … about



  1. […] you 200 percent. Crystal we are so sorry that you joined the ranks of having taken your trip to Holland. BUT we welcome you to the club! We hope that Noah keeps getting stronger and that his […]

  2. What a very lovely post. I’ve heard a similiar story and I feel it is a great way to look at it. Thank you for sharing.

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