Posted by: Nancy Brown | November 19, 2006

Why I hate ” Normal”


This is not meant to offend ANYONE. This is what I feel. If you get offended you miss the point of the blog!

Through out this rollercoaster we call life there is one thing that I have noticed, we go through the stages of morning or loss a lot. For example, when I had Tyler one of my nurses said that we would go through the steps of grieving even though we hadn’t lost a child. That we would be angry, mad, sad and in denial several times throughout this process. I think she was right.

Tyler has been home with us for almost one full year. Things have been good and things have been bad. He has such a cute little face that brightens up my day. But on the days he is bad… no face can help! The month of a shunt over-drainage was hell. I went through such a hard time. I went to counseling, I cried all the time, I wanted someone to take away my baby.  It was not a good time. But when it is good, it is really good. He hardly cries, he sleeps through the night and spends the whole day laughing and playing and kissing on me.  So why would I grieve?
This next week is a time that we are asked to be around family. Despite all the drama that has been playing out in the last few months it isn’t the reason behind me not wanting to go. It is because of the “normal” that we are surrounded by. Its is no ones fault but it is there. No one wants to compare, but lets face it we ALL do itI don’t want to go and see “normal” crawling, walking, talking or whatever it is.  Even though it is not “thrown in my face” it is still there. I don’t want anyone to say ” oh but look how far he has come” or ” But such and such didn’t walk till they were this old” I know that they didn’t. But they didn’t have holes in their brains. They didn’t have therapist after therapist throwing the words CP, spastic displegia, walkers, braces, never gonna crawl, might never crawl, in your face even when you go about it with as much faith as possible and with the determination to be “normal.” Our attitude and feeling is that he will do those things. Will they look “normal?” We don’t know. Will it be soon? We don’t know. Will he ever be without a label? We don’t know. We hope so. We don’t want him to become “less than” what he is because he has been labeled as something.

I don’t want people to say things to me. Its like when someone dies, no one really knows what to say. The best thing you can say is ” Tyler looks great. What can we do to help?” and then when you say that, mean it. Or ask quesitons as to what is going on with his care. There are lots of things that you can say instead of ” Oh he will catch up” . You don’t know that he will. There is no cure for brain damage. There is no transplant that will fix it, there is no surgery that will sew it up there is NOTHING. We accept Tyler for what he is but just as in spiritual life faith without works is dead, so it is with Tyler. If we just accept him as he is right now and never do anything to make or help him be better he won’t. In this situation this is our Works to make our Faith the end result.

So, although I may act snotty or mean or jealous, I am not. I am trying to cope with “normal.” Our normal is different than yours. You don’t know our normal. You haven’t asked about our normal so you don’t know. If you do ask we aren’t complaining but giving you a small glimpse of my normal.

On the end note. Tyler is so cute. He makes my normal ok. Its that smile. It melts me. We bought a shirt for him that says chick magnet. He really is. People are just drawn to him. His eyes make me smile. Watching him with his dad make me realize that my normal is ok…. for now.




  1. I love, really love the disclaimer.

    I think what you describe is very accurate and is very often the way I feel. Sometimes I feel great, and everything is good, and then some little tiny comment can knock me off my feet and land me into a couple of days of weeping. Sometimes it isn’t even a comment it is a set back with Ethan or another thing given to me to worry about.

    I am not sure why we have these cycles of sadness and grief. I am sure some counsler somewhere would have a better answer than mine. But, I think we sometimes can only take so much at a time. So we process that and then have to revisit it at a different depth…later.

    When my daughter died, I didn’t think I would ever breath again. Never. And yet, I did. For a long time, I didn’t let anyone discuss her. Or mention her. It was just too hard. I even forced my husband to leave, because I couldn’t stand the look in his eyes. But, eventually, I have come to understand that grief a little bit better, and though I am not even out of the woods yet, I think I am on the right track.

    I am starting to talk about her more, and remember her more, and let that anger go.

    So I think there is comfort in those cycles, eventually, if that makes any sense. And hopefully, at the end of the day…

    We will all come to terms with the things… we are handed..

    I admire your tenacity.

    You’re a wonderful person, who is strong and full of zest.

    I wish you luck in your journey.

  2. Well, I was gonna say, ME TOO, ME TOO, ME TOO, ME TOO!!!! But then read Lisa’s comments. She always trumps me without even knowing it!! J/K

    I HATE normal! I hate that Jack’s not normal. I hate that he’s so cute for not being normal! You are making me want to skip church again. There are lots of stupid, normal, babies there.


    Thanks, for having the same feelings as me!!!!!

    We’re so “normal”! *tongue out giving you a raspberry*

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